Fear and Knowledge

There is a cloud on the horizon…the sea is calm…for now!! But what does that cloud mean? Is the sea reflecting the calm before the storm? The cloud sure looks like maybe a thunderstorm is brewing up ahead, sure danger for me in my small ship! But can I be sure? do I have knowledge, or am I just afraid of what might be?

I gave my blood sample today for my next PSA test. I get the result some time next week. This is the fear. It is not fear of the needle, which unfortunately is suffered by many people. In fact I like to watch the procedure and I often comment on the Phlebotomist’s skill or lack thereof. The fear comes from not knowing the result. I don’t usually spend my time worrying about psa numbers. They are what they are. But, when the blood has been taken and the result is awaited, that is when the “what ifs” begin to haunt me.

What if it has risen? How much? What does it mean? What can I do about it?

My last psa was about 3 times the one before. As I have written earlier, this could be due to an unusual treatment protocol I was following. The little “eruptions” on my back have almost all gone now. It has taken almost 3 months. What does that mean? I hope it means the cancer cells have all died. But I don’t know.

The next psa number will provide information and knowledge. If it has fallen, I will know that the protocol has worked, and will have some idea of how well. If it has risen, my fears will be confirmed, yet I will not be fearful, for I will know that this is how it is and that I must deal with it however I can.

Meanwhile, we wait. Finally, what can I do about it? To use an old Australian expression, “Sweet bugger all!!”