Into Depression

Following my radiation treatment, I was feeling a bit sore in the hip and weak. Luckily I didn’t need to worry about work as I am an age pensioner. The oncologist seemed pretty confident that they had got it all. “You know, there are millions of cancer cells running around inside you, we can’t see them until enough of them get together in a clump.” What then? “We can try chemotherapy”.

Well, that is good news. I consulted my friend, Dr Google. He said chemo for prostate cancer can be effective. Studies show that men have lived an extra 3 months with chemo. Three Months!!  WTF? What about quality of life? Does anyone give a shit about that?

Here’s the score…First they humiliate you with endless fingers up the arse. Next they shoot you up the arse, not once, but 17 times to see if you really have cancer, thereby, I believe, releasing cancer cells into your system. The next time you have sex, you squirt blood and it hurts. Believe me, that is a real turn on for the wife, NOT! You choose surgery as the best of a bad bunch. This is what they don’t tell you…. Your penis will be an inch shorter, maybe more. You will no longer have erections. Your orgasms will be dry. It will be much harder to reach orgasm, and eventually you will give up. Your wife will think you don’t love her anymore because she doesn’t give you a hard-on. She will spend most nights in the other room. You will not be able to get erect unless you inject your penis.

At least no more fingers up the bum!! OK!! Wrong. Now they want to see if the prostate is really gone!! Can you believe it?

Next, you start on Hormone Therapy. Zoladex 10.8mg. Every three months you get this implant injected into your belly fat. It suppresses testosterone, as I said earlier. But first it stimulates testosterone to very high levels, the idea is that your system senses an abnormality and shuts off making testosterone. The first thing is you are as horny as anything, but can’t do much about it. Next, you lose all interest and your balls shrink.

I am not sure why, but I began to feel depressed. I bought my wife a vibrator, that worked better than I did. I began to lose interest in doing my usual tasks and activities, it was hard to see much point in it.

Inevitably I began to think about the future….How would it go? No-one seemed to know for sure. They all talked about lots of pain, broken bones, failed organs. Death started to sound a good option. Now I am not afraid to die. I believe in a God who Loves me and a life in the hereafter. My disease has not shaken that. My disease is just a human condition. Why Me? Why not me? Why anybody? It is what it is.

And so I began to wish to die…..

5 thoughts on “Into Depression

  1. I opted for brachytherapy, where they implant radioactive seeds in you. Then there’s a follow up with conformal external radiation. They gave me an 80% chance of being cancer free. I think it was two years later the cancer returned and I was put on lupron. I’ve suffered bad depressions and am now on two antidepressants and one mood elevator. I often feel like I just want to die. But I keep pushing on. Going to see the psychiatrist soon to see if there are any new drugs.

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  2. Ultimately, all sufferers reach that not-afraid-to-die stage, for a variety of reasons, but the main cause leading to that stage is one’s suffering. The only consolation comes from the fact that it is all a matter of time – eventually everything ends! Stay positive, take care and be happy in the way that is made possible by the God-who-Loves-you – may He be with you! 🙂 ♡

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